...yet another holiday "7" list: don't buy this shtuff...

Like Cee-Lo Green yelling "Why?!?!?" in the fabulously inspired and appropriately titled "Fuck You" song, "Why do folks buy these gifts for men?" I don't know. But as we go through you may understand where I'm coming from. Or maybe not. Take notes and see if you ever ruined someone's Christmas...

7. The MEDIA gift. This includes movies, music or video games. Don't bother, really. I hear the men out there thanking me. Media gifts are personal, 9 times out of 10 you will make the wrong choice. Why? Men simply buy the media shit they want. Truth! Unless you have the cocksure choice, avoid this. Nothing worse than trying to crack a smile because someone bought you a compiliation of 70s rock ballads, or some movie because they have a vague idea that you like classics, so why not this, it looks like the other movies on his shelf. "Hey, 'Ghostbusters' on the 360 looks really funny, plus its in the bargain bin. He'll love this!" Somewhere a dog wails in the night.
ALTERNATIVE: Just give the gift card at this point.

6. CLOTHING. Phew! Like above, you're going to get the style, comfort or size wrong. You're effectively throwing crap in his face.
ALTERNATIVE: If you must, throw in the gift receipt and get ready to never, ever seeing him in what you chose.

5. JEWELRY/WATCHES. Again, men's style in the last three items are PERSONAL. Men have a very distinctive, very narrow line of desire there. Funnily, we'll leave the bar with just about anything. But we'll scoff at a watch unless it's an Omega, and throw the lion's head ring in the nearest gutter inlet. See my last post.
ALTERNATIVE: If you want them to accessorize, look into a lighter, a wallet, hankies - just avoid an ugly ass necklace or bracelet to whence it came.

4. BOOKS. I love books. Really. But, unless you know me for at least a decade, you can save it. The best is when someone forces their politics on you during the holiday. Left or right, it doesn't matter, you've spit in the coffee. Forcing folks to be green, or that so and so is an idiot: come on. It'll be thrown in the recycle bin: that's being green.
ALTERNATIVE: gift card at their local bookstore. Bonus points for those that can figure out a solid e-book reader for the distinguished chappie.

3. SHEYIT FROM A CATORAG. To translate, you know those catalogs that come this time of year. They have fiber optics in them. They are sweaters or throw blankets. They are trimmers, massagers. They are shit. WHO...who, who would want these? The old adage holds true: don't get something you wouldn't want for yourself.
ALTERNATIVE: find a few nicer catalog joints. The LL Beans, the REI, Signals, Entertainment Earth...

2. HATS.
ALTERNATIVE: death.

1. ANYTHING WITHOUT HEART. If you don't care, it'll show. Best thing, if you care, is to sit down for about ten minutes and brainstorm a bit. Take the top three ideas, do a web search, and you'll wind up with something better than what you would have initially started with. You're a smart cookie if you jot stuff down in your brain (your personal binder, get one) through the year when stuff comes up in conversation.

I ain't perfect, trust me. I've made the list of offenses periodically. If I did, I'll be honest: I didn't give an eff. Truth is fun!

...the holiday "7" list: GIFTS for MEN that'll make you consider returning the crap you just wasted money on...

You can't tell me that men are an unusual breed of recepient when it comes to gifts. Men receive the worst presents (from both genders alike) and it comes down to one thing: uninspired gift purchasers who really don't give a crap. Men, come on: you know what I'm talking about. It only takes a few key questions to get to the bottom of what they want. Or, read the "7" list below to see a few unusual assortments that will get you thinking about that man in your life who deserves more than a cheap-ass tool or a Jovan musk set.

In no real order and gift cards are a non-non:

7. CUSTOM BUSINESS CARDS. Find out what his interests are, pick some artwork then head down to VistaPrint.com. Get all of his normal contact attributes (those that aren't too personal, of course) and make him a set of custom business cards. Add his Twitter, Facebook information, etc. for extra points. If you put enough thought into it, he'll be appreciative enough not to break up with you in the New Year.

6. CUSTOM LIGHTER. All men need a lighter. I don't know why, but we just need one. A custom lighter with our initials makes it even more special. Try this place: http://www.executivegiftshoppe.com/zippo-lighters.html. Throw in a few fresh cigars and you have a nice package. Trust me: nicotine is always a plus. Throw in some dirty women graphics on their ftw.

5. ANYTHING FROM EXCALIBUR. Something about these damn LCD-infused gadgets are alluring. One: they've been around forever. Two: they are all over the place as far as breadth of their product line. Third: they're simply fun gadgets that won't break the bank. Hints? Can't go wrong with an electronic version of chess, or, they have some simple turn on and play games like NFL football, golf, etc. The simplicity and focus make them a plus.

4. WIND-UP METAL. Metal toys are something primal. You'd be surprised that all age ranges of men go for this. Again, there's probably some physchological reasoning behind the attraction, but simply: men like shiny metal objects. These were surely the pre-cursor to the gadget age. Try Tin Toy here: http://www.tintoyarcade.com/. The robots are a favorite of mine.

3. ANYTHING FROM THINKGEEK. These guys have got it covered, from geek pocket tools to gadgets up the wazoo. Most of these, you really can't go wrong, so sweep through the site, close your eyes and hit 'Add to Cart'. Again, they know how to service the modern geek. Just avoid the multi-tools, those are personal to each guy.

2. STEAKS ALL YEAR. Some of you are vegan, so skip this one. But, if your guy enjoys the excercise of his incisors - then hop on down to Omaha Steaks and get him a "gift plan" package that'll ship him a few steaks through out the year. It'll keep him from forgetting you. Added bonus to commit to cooking them up as an excuse for a romantic dinner...or something. Frankly, I'd be happy just to get a steak - what's easier to cook, even for that special moron in your life?

1. CAST IRON BANKS. Weird, I know. But men like to put stuff on shelves. From the executive office to the doorstop behind the garage door. Cast iron banks are the fun way to lose coins forever, but there is that nostalgia factor. Bits and Pieces have them here: http://www.bitsandpieces.com/category.asp?c=43&bhcd2=1289290884.

As you can deduce, this "7" is all about what really pleases him, not you, not society...wanna make him happy, then really get something that'll make him think. If men aren't so hard to figure out, then why do the gifts usually blow?

Actually, the next "7" will be a definitive list of what not to buy. It'll get personal.

...and it rains when it can't think of...

no offense, but this State is truly uninspired (has it ran out of ideas)? We have also-rans leading in the polls, and, it's like: could't we have more options than the old options? Is it no longer an option when it's the one you had before? Frustration for sure...when's the last great California leader (the ones I can think of are all no more). at least try something new...ugh. And the signs...signs that just scream, "this is all i got". I'd rather see the spoof signs, they're way less fail.

rain...rain. even snow. the land is enchanted once more, perhaps like an aging star putting on her pearls to feel pretty once again.

stores are closing by the buckets, it's a sight i haven't seen since the late 70s (pardon my age)...we're looking at years of this.

best we can do is come up with new ideas and stop politicizing every g*d damn thing that comes up. and the culture should come back around to the people and away from the uber-dreg.

"...we already hate each other..." 25sep10

drinking tea with condensed milk to soothe what little i have with a cold that started on Tuesday. have to fight it because of the berth of work that needs to get done. work here. work there. my inverted matter self, on the other side of the universe is working...inversely. either way, i'm working.

she was a brunette. it was styled like cameron richardson. her body was bolstered by her age, deliciously taunt.

i was stupid for not saying a thing. i'll be eternally flustered by women i'm attracted to: it can't be helped. her eyes were filled with light brown glints. a wide smile that was friendly.

i could tell a lot. she had been hurt before. it's obvious, but not grossly so. she protected herself from being hurt again: i can tell it was bad. like very bad.

i can't fathom it. i'd die before i could even think of it. don't understand.

new photo on deviant art. working on e-book. lulu sites must be pulled, so i'll have to re-point link to something else, once its done in a week. could've at least introduced myself, right?

...old stories/new ones...06sep10...

After getting some finalized artwork for "Pace", I wanted to dig a bit deeper in the containers of my youth for some fodder. Trust me: there's plenty of it.

However, come across some loose three-ring binder sheets, in a folder marked 'Gaming' (why not?), I came across a story from about 1994 (couldn't be earlier, I would've been in the Army at that point). The single paragraph was pretty simple: a classical-mythology story.

"Morlineus (ugh) and Tabitha". Basically, he loves her, she doesn't love him. He falls for someone else and she gets pissed. Tabitha makes a pact to try to vie for him again, but, like much of the classical world: it doesn't work out. Check it out here, renamed, thankfully, as "Teraku and Binjin".

These type of stories work best in a short format, so I've expanded it tonight. I'm teasing it and releasing it as a short e-book later this year (it'll be priced right...like free). Hopefully, you'll enjoy it and tool through the updates on Pace as well.

Sharing Moments Across Time (02SEP10)

Canning corn relish a Saturday night is not typical. I know. What it does for me, and what cooking can do for us, is re-connect us with those we once knew. Grandma B- wasn't even related to me: only related in the 'mother's second husband's mother' sort of way. She was an amazing Southern lady in every sense of the word: gentle, loving, and as sweet as molasses. Having swept through the South in my youth, I have an affinity for their generosity and grits.

We lived off of Aladdin drive, near Lincoln (in Anaheim), at one point. Grandma B- came to stay with us frequently, after my baby sister was born.

She made exotic foods that I only read about growing up (having an interest in cooking, in a purely theoretical sense, if you know my background of eating potato flakes straight out of the box): fresh baked bread, fried green tomatoes (the only good ones I've ever et) and canned preserves. I hovered around her fascinated.

The canning process is all about cleanliness, that's what floored me as a ten-year-old. Boil this, boil that, use only fresh towels, don't re-wipe, that's not good, that's got to go. Phew. I was exhausted watching her. But. Seeing that homemade apple butter spread was like magic. Apples, sugar, rendered. Huh? How did you get that from that? [emphasis should be there somewhere]

So, like Grandma B-, I hunkered down for about four hours and, come hell or high water, was going to make corn relish. It didn't involve pectin, which I'm a little leery about right now - and only involved natural ingredients. With canning, you really make a commitment to that batch: still fascinating as ever (ok, for those reading this, I should say "me").

You instantly connect with those moments in that hot little kitchen so many years ago. You can almost hear her voice guiding you on. She was patient, let me tell you.

Cooking is amazing in that it is solitary, but, ironically, shared. I am blessed to have so many great ladies in my life who have shown me how to cook well. They've shared great moments and I hope to pass it along to my little ruffians who may say the same one day when I'm gone. Although, I'm not nearly as patient...*woof.

...recompense...(26jul10)

Owing Someone a poem, I looked back to a prayer that was written sometime in the 14th century (sometime before 1334), Anima Christi. The original latin text is very beautiful, and mine is a poor homage to the original writer. As further homage to the original writer, I kept a tighter prose and beat with a 9(x5 a,a)/14(x3 a,a) combination.

What is to love for the original latin is the sparseness in its execution, making the prayer almost a plea (as many prayers are). Catholics may know the prayer as one to recite upon taking the Eucharist, surrendering to its immediancy with the Host upon their tongue:

"Soul of Christ, my sanctification
The Body of Christ, my salvation
Blood of Christ, my inebriation
Water from Christ's side: sin's ablution
Passion of Christ, our torment's lessened.

O Good Jesus, hear my plea:
Let me not be loosed from The.
To me, defend from devilry;
Bind me in eternity.
And, alike with saints before,
Kneel at Thy throne evermore. Amen"