Like Cee-Lo Green yelling "Why?!?!?" in the fabulously inspired and appropriately titled "Fuck You" song, "Why do folks buy these gifts for men?" I don't know. But as we go through you may understand where I'm coming from. Or maybe not. Take notes and see if you ever ruined someone's Christmas...
7. The MEDIA gift. This includes movies, music or video games. Don't bother, really. I hear the men out there thanking me. Media gifts are personal, 9 times out of 10 you will make the wrong choice. Why? Men simply buy the media shit they want. Truth! Unless you have the cocksure choice, avoid this. Nothing worse than trying to crack a smile because someone bought you a compiliation of 70s rock ballads, or some movie because they have a vague idea that you like classics, so why not this, it looks like the other movies on his shelf. "Hey, 'Ghostbusters' on the 360 looks really funny, plus its in the bargain bin. He'll love this!" Somewhere a dog wails in the night.
ALTERNATIVE: Just give the gift card at this point.
6. CLOTHING. Phew! Like above, you're going to get the style, comfort or size wrong. You're effectively throwing crap in his face.
ALTERNATIVE: If you must, throw in the gift receipt and get ready to never, ever seeing him in what you chose.
5. JEWELRY/WATCHES. Again, men's style in the last three items are PERSONAL. Men have a very distinctive, very narrow line of desire there. Funnily, we'll leave the bar with just about anything. But we'll scoff at a watch unless it's an Omega, and throw the lion's head ring in the nearest gutter inlet. See my last post.
ALTERNATIVE: If you want them to accessorize, look into a lighter, a wallet, hankies - just avoid an ugly ass necklace or bracelet to whence it came.
4. BOOKS. I love books. Really. But, unless you know me for at least a decade, you can save it. The best is when someone forces their politics on you during the holiday. Left or right, it doesn't matter, you've spit in the coffee. Forcing folks to be green, or that so and so is an idiot: come on. It'll be thrown in the recycle bin: that's being green.
ALTERNATIVE: gift card at their local bookstore. Bonus points for those that can figure out a solid e-book reader for the distinguished chappie.
3. SHEYIT FROM A CATORAG. To translate, you know those catalogs that come this time of year. They have fiber optics in them. They are sweaters or throw blankets. They are trimmers, massagers. They are shit. WHO...who, who would want these? The old adage holds true: don't get something you wouldn't want for yourself.
ALTERNATIVE: find a few nicer catalog joints. The LL Beans, the REI, Signals, Entertainment Earth...
2. HATS.
ALTERNATIVE: death.
1. ANYTHING WITHOUT HEART. If you don't care, it'll show. Best thing, if you care, is to sit down for about ten minutes and brainstorm a bit. Take the top three ideas, do a web search, and you'll wind up with something better than what you would have initially started with. You're a smart cookie if you jot stuff down in your brain (your personal binder, get one) through the year when stuff comes up in conversation.
I ain't perfect, trust me. I've made the list of offenses periodically. If I did, I'll be honest: I didn't give an eff. Truth is fun!
