Ho ho…ho shit, you’re late with the gifts. Aunt Sylvie just showed up from North Dakota and is expecting you make nice after you ruined Christmas 1989. But, you got 4 days, right? You got the swagger and this “easy-so-stupid-go” guide. This “7” list is in no particular order:
7a. SHIPPING BY CHRISTMAS: if you hurry most major online stores are offering shipping, some free, before or on Christmas. It’s crazy! It’s definitely a new trend, but take advantage before World War III crops up late this next year! Places like pajamgrams.com, ihatestevensinger.com, proflowers.com, are all offering great deals! But you GOT TO DO IT NOW!!!
7b. DIGITAL SUBSCRIPTION: updating since it's one day till...but you can also get digital subscription or e-books that allow folks to instantly get a gift. Both Barnes and Noble and Amazon allow this.
6. NETFLIX: passes are so easy to get, throw it in a nice envelope and you’re set. Anyone, any age, have always appreciated a pass in my humble opinion. It’s so easy to use and addictive for all. We can ALL get behind addiction, right?
5. ONLINE GIFT CERTIFICATES: GameStop, for example, let’s you order by Noon on the 24th, to send a definite 25th e-mail delivery of their “Digital Gift Certificate”. Give it a go based on the person’s likes. Target has their e-Gift Cards – everyone’s into Target.
4. PHYSICAL GIFT CARDS: are virtually everywhere now. My favorite spot is VONS, they have the most and offer gift tin boxes to go with them. Plus they have cards. And they got chocolates. And they are open around the clock. And it’s not crowded. Why don’t more folks shop there?
3. CVS/WALGREENS: don’t misunderestimate the commuter store. They actually have a few gifts, plus, you need to stock up on cold medicine. I know. I’ve been rifling through your cupboards. Now, don’t get me wrong, they ain’t the best presents, but they have enough to make a choice. Plus, it’s not my fault you waited. It’s yours. Take responsibility (since the President said so).
2. DICK PICS. By that I mean Dick Cavett, Dick Clark, Dick Jones. And by that I mean I’m just kidding: no one wants that.
1. CASH, BITCHES! Nothing wrong with some crisp dollar bills, y’all. Seriously, go to the bank and ask for some nice clean, uncirculated wads of dough. Throw that in a nice envelope and you set. Bonus if you get some novelty amounts: gold presidential dollar coins, $2 bills, ½ dollars, etc. The coin store is nearby and, trust me, there is not a mile-long line.
Now you can wipe that sneer from the Aunt Sylvie’s face with a wad of cash to replace her beloved yarn purse and a picture of Dick Morris.
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